Sean would have been 43 today. He loved his birthday and he loved to celebrate with food and friends. I have been asked by a few today how I am feeling and…I am feeling good.
After the year of firsts being over and done with, I didn’t realize the year of the seconds would be even more painful. Anguish surfaced with an unquenchable force. The spinning realities of parenthood and the complexities of personalities conflicting with the new adversities of daily life was a wild ride. However, with reflecting on the challenges and the victories, life is good. I sense there is a season of newness coming with possibilities never imagined possible approaching. Despite the pain that still remains, there is a faint beauty in bloom.
We honor you, Sean. The kids and I are reminded daily what an amazing man you were and the incredible, unquestionable impact you have left on our lives. In this new dawn, time rests restlessly. Sun in the sky, you know how I feel.
Image Credit: Jean Francois Millet: Spring at Barbizon
It is funny how opposites attract. Really. They do. Often my friends that I get along with most are the opposite of who I am. That was who Sean was. The opposite. He loved this one song during his healing process journey, and what would I do? I would roll my eyes at it. However, now a different version of someone else sings the same song and yes, I am like a-ha…this is a great song. We were so different….for real opposites. But now this song that ties in the opposites into the positives not that we were ever negatives, but kind of, rings a different meaning. I am not let down by God. I won’t be and I could never be. This song, sung by a different artist, was a huge theme song to Sean during a very difficult time in his life…and now here I am, listening to the very same song, but sung in a different style, saying it to Jesus, come on…don’t let me down, You are so faithful. I know He shows Himself faithful, I know the Scriptures, I am not ignorant, for they have been my food day and night. However isn’t it fascinating one song could mean so much to one individual and and nothing to another until sung in a different way? Sung with a different urgency or passion, or even a different desperateness. However, here I am. Empty. Ready. Determined. Unshakeable. Ready for the darkest process I have yet to encounter. I am not a runner. I never have been. I am all about let’s get down to business….and business is ready to turn my world upside down…but I am here, arms up in surrender. I am ready to get down to business. Jesus, I trust you. Don’t let me down despite the frailties of my mind. You are able and so am I in you. For real. I am now the one in need of a miracle.
I want to scream, I want to dream, yet the extreme of this life has taken me further down a path I did not view or seem as one in which I would ever, if even I tried, to be ready for. Why? I don’t know. I know nothing, yet I know lots. It is odd. How can I sit and plan, yet really, what is it I am planning for? I laugh. Yet I cry. I do both. Is this a normalcy? Perhaps. This is my new normal. One in which I have to embrace. There is no running from it. I have to go through it. I thought before the wilderness was a beast, but this new endeavour is beast part two. If only the soundtrack to my life could be as beautiful as that of Beauty and the Beast, but in this moment, who is the beauty and whom is the beast? There is no difference, for I am both. Both beauty and beast, wrestling through the pages of this chapter I find myself aligned with, but not by choice. I did not choose this, nor would I ever have. This was brought on only by the realms of this broken earth and I alone stand alone in hopes alone for an understanding that only Christ alone will be able to express to me in a way that I alone will fully get. My crashing point? Perhaps. However, I continue to crawl through this thick mud like it is a clarity, and at this beautiful moment, I can not even kid myself.
Image Credit: Jean Francois Millet: Death and the Woodcutter