You won’t see me fall apart.

My mind was so full when I ran this morning…and then this song came on my playlist. It is funny how songs can be the beginning of a bigger picture unintentionally.
I remember being fond of it when I first heard it and that was about it. However, today I am almost lost my breath because of the tears that began to run down my face
as I ran harder and harder and faster and faster inadvertently. Fear has a way of arousing and complicating things. Somethings that are good, as well as things that aren’t so good.
As this song played and I lost absolute concentration with my breathing, I realized, fear won’t break me. It can’t. I don’t want to live like I can’t trust anyone anymore.
I just refuse for this to haunt the way it likes to do.

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Hallelujah.

Some days we have nothing more to say other than the word the baffled King himself would say, “Hallelujah.” We carry questions around our necks like precious, sacred jewellery. Sometimes these questions overwhelm, overtake, and over restrain us in a way in which we become stricken by the jagged burden of the deep pain done to a loved one, done to us. We can become possessive, protective, and even particular with this undistinguishable heaviness. Sometimes this piece is not ours to carry, or wear. Actually, it never is intended for us to claim ownership of. We must return it, to give away that which was never meant for us to take in the first place. We can do this with our children, our parents, our friends, our community, our nation, or our world. We fight ourselves with indignant weaponry. Is it for survival or for death? The only answer is love. Love outside. Love inside. Outside of our thickened walls of protection and inside the most vulnerable places unshielded to self. Deep sadness, fear, disbelief, and disappointment has no echo, only a constant sound than can be hindered by the gentle whisper of hope.

 

Fear is real.

Driving the other morning I was strangely awoken by the realization of the different layers of fears that occupy my mind. There was a time in which I would have a reoccurring dream when I was about 8 years old where twin girls, like the ones from The Shining, would beckon me to play with them and their red wagon. We would be on the field of the school that was up the road from my childhood house. I remember never wanting to play with them and would wake up in the midst of the struggle trying to run away. It was weird and it was bizarre, it also was a realization of the realness fear could play in my life, even through my dreams. As I was driving, through the small city, in which I reside, I began to visualize each random layer of fear that tries to inhabit me on an hourly basis. I am only being honest. I fear so many different things, but they are all categorized. I am sure I am not the only one, but there are times in all fairness I feel like a lone vessel, trying to figure it out. I have the fears of a daughter, wanting to please my parents, I have the fears of a wife, making sure I sustain a healthy relationship with my husband, I have the fears of a mother, desiring to be the best role model to my children, a safe person, a stable figure in which instability will not be something they will resent, but at the same time, wanting to be the fittest for their ever creating minds and developing behaviors. As a sister, I want to be in sync, but not conformable, as a friend, I want to be a non-toxic person. I want to know I won’t be insulted or rejected. As a stranger, I fear judgement or ridicule, as a person, I fear misunderstanding or manipulation. There are different fears for the different roles I have in my daily walk. I have to continue die to those fears and allow for them to not control me, or I would never get out of bed, or my house, or my car. Fear is real, however I am more real and it is a constant choice each waking hour to not let fear take me down into a place no help can be found.
My favorite verse in this song is, “I have my fears, but they do not have me.”

The Perfect Storm.

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I just need to write. I can’t find paper so I use a brown paper bag I see in the car. My perfect storm. Just as 1 has been in her perfect storm, we are left with the muddy water and remnants left for pick up. My perfect storm? Well, I am just facing the waves with my mouth shut tight and my eyes fixed on the perfect wave about to crash, break and take me down. I am 34 with 10,000 ideas, but zero time. There is so much I want to do but I can’t find the break, the time, or the space. Am I driven enough? Am I confident enough? Am I smart enough? Fear has gripped me by the throat since as long as I can remember. I have a fantastic memory and I remember in detail. To see fear come like a thief in the night, to haunt, to taut and to stick his dirty fingers onto the vulnerable life of one of my kin, this is not going to happen. Though it may seem as though it is happening, this anxiety, this insanity, this ambidexterity, it will not succeed in its deliberate act of imposing itself in my family’s life. I have my cleaning bucket, my gloves, and my sleeves rolled. A muddy mess, perhaps, but perfect storm, you will not take me down.

Birthday Cupcakes


For 2’s birthday all he wanted was chocolate cupcakes.  Oh, a child after my own heart. I love both chocolate and cupcakes.  I can’t believe he is now three.  It is fun to watch the kids and listen to them talk to each other.  Did I talk like this when I was their age?  There is a kind of pressure I have been feeling lately.  How much will my everyday interactions with my kids affect them both positively and negatively?  I remember most of my childhood from the age 2 1/2 years and up.  My words and facial expressions are being constantly imprinted into my little loves.  When I was running this evening, I was thinking about the different pressures currently overwhelming me. I am slightly neurotic, yes, especially with germs, so that is something I feel overwhelmed with, also finances. They have to be the ever constant beast in my life, just like my weight.  Losing weight and saving money are a handful of numbers and equations that I allow to fill my brain and consume my thoughts.  Sometimes I run to burn off steam, other times I run to distract myself, tonight was one of those nights.  I needed a distraction.  I had a really good conversation with my grandma earlier and I have come to the realization, whether we are in our 30’s or in our 80’s, we all have the same struggles and pressures in life, they just present themselves to us differently. I don’t want to live in fear.  I really don’t.  That is why I am dedicating this recipe to the worry warts.  Those who worry about weight, those who are concerned about money and germs, sickness and death. This is for those who lack discipline and fear they won’t be able to stop themselves from wanting to eat more.  The neurotics, the fear mongers and the scaredy cats, all of you, fear not, this cake will not harm you, it will liberate you…within reason, of course.

Birthday Cupcakes

(Inspired by Rebar’s chocolate cake)
Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups light brown sugar
1 1/2 cups unbleached flour
1/2 Dutch process cocoa
1 1/2 Tsp baking soda, aluminium free
3/4 Tsp baking powder, aluminium free
1/4 Tsp sea salt
3/4 cup strong coffee
3/4 cup buttermilk (I used 3/4 cup milk with 1 Tsp vinegar added to it)
1/3 cup + 2 Tbsp vegetable oil (I used 1/3 cup grapeseed oil only)
2 eggs (1 whole egg + 1 egg yolk)
1 Tsp pure vanilla

Icing:
5 oz (150 g) milk chocolate
5 oz (150 g) dark chocolate
1/2 lb (225 g) butter, softened
1/4 lb (112 g) cream cheese, spreadable
1 Tsp pure vanilla

How To Play:
Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees. Line a cupcake tray. Set aside. Combine the sugar, flour,cocoa, baking powder, soda and salt in the bowl of a mixer and whisk on low to combine, making sure it is lump free. Add the coffee, milk, oil, eggs, and vanilla and mix on medium-low for 2 minutes, stopping to scrape down the sides. The batter will be pourable.
Use a ladle to distribute the batter evenly into prepared cupcake liners. Bake for 15 minutes or until an inserted toothpick comes out clean. Let the cakes sit for 10 minutes before removing them from the tray.
* Note: This recipe is for a 8″ round cake, so there is extra batter. I made 4 small heart shaped cakes as well, to use all the batter. I don’t think it would enough to make 2 dozen cupcakes, but perhaps if they were small ones, it could.
Next, the icing. This, as mentioned above, is actually for the 8″cake’s filling, but I used it as an icing for the cupcakes instead. Melt the milk and dark chocolates in a double boiler and stir until smooth. Cool 10 minutes. Cream together the butter, cream cheese and vanilla. Mix the cooled chocolate into the creamed mixture.
Once the cupcakes are completely cooled, spread icing evenly over each one, gently transfer the iced cupcakes in the fridge and serve when ready.


Enjoy.