Stand still.


I imagined as I grew up, well, like in my thirties, I would have the brain of a 30 year old. However, as I converse with others, I realize our brain can sometimes remain stopped at a certain age. It just stands still and observes the process of aging from afar. It is as though mine has dissociated from reality; the reality of age. My brain says it is 28. The funny thing is, it has been saying this for the last 6 years. My eyes tell a different story, though. They have not stopped. They continue to go from right to left, up and down, checking out people here and there, reading, watching, imagining, and visualizing. They have pressed through the inconceivable and have seen the births of the impossible. My eyes have witnessed the unspoken, and have seen the cries from relationship disparity. Even when there was nothing to be seen, my eyes could see their wailing screams. They refuse to ignore and stand in denial. They have seen truth and can’t go back. Sometimes it is a war inside. My eyes reveal what is real, yet my brain tries to justify, downplay, pretend, generalize, and even at times, tries to shut herself off to the outside world. It is pain. She just can’t handle the pain. She can’t handle the disbelief. It hurts too much. Perhaps this is why my eyes are in relationship with my heart. They have an understanding, a commonality. They aren’t afraid or influenced by thought. Ideas, doubts, or the need to try to figure things out. These don’t intimidate what my eyes can see and what my heart can understand.