Quick lesson, life at its finest. The multitude of emotions causes a traffic jam. Then what? It appears as I continue to maneuver through the intricacies of the delicacies of this journey, I am embraced, yet repulsed by bystanders who just don’t understand. This disconnection between right and wrong keeps the tension unfolding itself into its own bizarre beauty. Perhaps these are the questions I ask myself. With the cool spring breeze against my face as my eyes question the stars, I no longer reach out to them. I remain still. I can’t do much more. Is it ok or proper if I detach myself from the severity of the pain that cripples? If not to detach, but maybe to reach down the side of the riverbed and brush my hand lightly across the currents of the water-sadness. I can’t throw myself into it completely. I tried. It was too overwhelming, it took me down and nearly drowned me.
As I am learning what it is to be an individual apart from what was and is not, I am trusting the process yet resisting the consequences. To be, to love, to know, to doubt, to fight, and God as my witness knows how much I fight. There is a distance calling as well as a depth. I am searching for the meaning of both. There may never be a full understanding, however, I remain hopeful that a small glimpse of understanding will guide me to the shelter in which safety will further encapsulate who it is I am becoming within these loud places and dark trees.
Photo Credit: Jean-Francois Millet: Red Trees