To be. To be still. To be angry or to be quiet? To be mad or to be hurt? To be confused, numb, guilty or sad? How about to be so overwhelmed beyond possible human capacity? To be. I feel, but to be is not an option. It is as if I were on a see-saw. One side is my emotional crisis of bad news, the lingering of the bad report sits…heavy, hopeless and whispers doom. But across is the other side. The side that says impossible possibilities and faith can invade the human sphere of the finite makeup. You see, I can’t turn the music up in my head phones loud enough. I can’t do 100 sit-ups or run fast enough to make it go away because there is no going away from this. It is here and it is real. To be stunned and faced with the mass of uncertainty is not a safe place for me. This is not my comfort zone. I feel exposed, vulnerable, and naked. My only hope is not of man’s ability, but in the One who gives man the capability. The capability to believe where there is no belief. The capability to stand unshakeable when the storm that hits is stronger than human strength itself. To be in denial, fantasy, or disbelief is just not in the cards, but to give thanks over and over again is all I can do. To be thankful when thanksgiving should seem out of reach however, it is not, for it is all I know, like the oats in the water.