If sudden could be quick enough, then maybe I would have time to know without thinking what the world I am to be. Whether we play games, set goals, or even converse with close ones, obstacles are almost inevitable. I have believed since I was young something more than what is, was going to be my life. However, 30 years later, I still believe with the same glimmer of hope, but feel rather frustrated, stunted, perhaps even disenchanted. I know that there was a time when I stared at myself in the mirror and determined that I was going to make my parents proud. I made a choice to be a wife and a choice to be a mother of three. Does life just stop? No. Of course it doesn’t. I just feel things are on pause, the eight year pause. I grew up learning to do all that I do to be constructive and not deconstructive. Time is of the essence and to this day, I can’t stand idled time. Time and age has been a sneak to me. Instead of cursing them, perhaps I ought to give a curtsy, with my tongue on fire as I bite it hard and taste the warmth and saltiness of my own blood, and give gratitude. I do all I can to not to be bitter or dissatisfied. I just wish I could see the truth clearer. To see through the fog that distracts and attacks the focus of my steadfast heart. Motherhood. It is the calling. It is this time I need to embrace as a blanket of warmth for the chilled soul my heart resides in.
Image Credit: Waterloo Bridge. Effect of Fog, by Claude Monet